We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Randomize
