I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Randomize
