Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Randomize
