Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
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