Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
