fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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