Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
