Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
