Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
