I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
