WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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