god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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