I am midnight drunk by noon
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
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