this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
