dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
