remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
