so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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