So drunk its hurt
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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