My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
