Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
