apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
