a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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