she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
