Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Randomize
