Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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