Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Randomize