areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
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