Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize