Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
