I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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