i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
