My first STD was from a foam party
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
