idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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