he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
