i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
