jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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