you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
