at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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