moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
