My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
