May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
