hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
