I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
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