she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Randomize
