I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
