just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
