I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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