fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
dude. I can hear the air.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
