By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
