ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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