he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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