No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
