aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
