Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
