Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
