He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
