phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
