He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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