Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Randomize
